Alone in your company- From both ends of the spectrum

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00:30 AM

The time stamp on my phone read, I was wide awake.It had been 40 minutes…40 minutes and no new notifications.It was awfully quite foe a college night. My newly acquired popular ego couldn’t take it. I had heard no gossip, no one wanted a favor,no guy wanted to know about my day or hear my voice before sleeping.I was perplexed. Had I committed some sort of social suicide or was internet not working? Worse yet, had I become invisible again?

Before this fickle universe came into existence, I was 14, a geek, who hungout during lunchtime with popular girls, only for the purpose of helping them pass the test after lunch, beyond which she hungout with F.R.I.E.N.D.S (still love that show). It was an existence of minimal means.

I had a forgettable face to the limit that one of my classmate of 11 years asked me if I was a newcomer! I had accepted the fact that i would always be in the shadows and that I won’t ever be remembered .

After passing high school, I got into a college two states away from my hometown. Something about this place which was very aloof and very unknown to the people of my hometown gave me a sense of self assurance. It gave me a power to start anew.So when I entered that place I made an effort in every conversation, even if it made me look stupid, I tried. Slowly and passively, I started changing opinions, I had thus formed. I was changing the way I looked. For once in my life, I cared about how I look. Vanity of my self was  worthy of loathing, yet the pleasure of fitting in  clouded all my senses.

00:45

It took me 15 minutes just 15 minutes alone with myself to realize what I had become. I shut down my phone and started writing random thoughts in my diary, about the books I had planned to read, the music I wanted to listen but didn’t because I was so busy with people.It was as clear as water to me that something had to be changed.

I’m writing this article one whole year after I changed everything previously known about me. I had gone from not known to popular, from attention seeker to attention avoider. And I’m happy that I have experienced both ends of the rope under first two decades of my lives. the conclusion that I have drawn is that every true friend that I have made whether being invisible or popular were the people who know the real me. They may have approached me because I wasn’t invisible anymore but they stayed because they liked the person I was.

Lesson, be who you are. Too vague. Well, experiment yourself, but if you’ll take the risk of experimenting don’t become the image, just project it.So that one day you can sit back and compare.

Professional tip: Inform a friend whom you trust that you are changing. They may guide you when all is done and dusted.

 

 

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Mabel Kwong

Asian Australian. Multiculturalism

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